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Catwoman

New Batman movie coming out. And with it, a new Catwoman! Excellent. Tight black leather costume. Everyone will adore that, and rave about how good the actress, Anne Hathaway in this case, looks. We always do. And since it seems a lot of people hold themselves up to the physical ideals of what we see in a movie, what does it take to pull off the Catwoman look? Five hundred calories a day. WTF. “It dominated my year.”

Want what you think is the ideal body? Live in the gym and eat nothing for a year. What does that get you? Accolades if you are an actor…that’s some serious dedication to craft! But for the rest of us? What it gets you is a year of living in the gym and eating nothing. Sounds like a lifetime goal right there. I can’t imagine anyone wanting anything more…

Work your abs while standing up

I love these types of articles. They look so authoritative and cutting edge. I grew an extra “pack” just reading it. Now I’m a seven-pack! Always the same thing…they will tell you, bluntly, in one article the real way to get a six pack is diet, and then ignore that and show you a million ab exercises. Why? Nutrition is hard. Exercises are like magic pills. Everyone will spend the money and never care that they never, ever see a result. If it didn’t work, they just bought the wrong pill. The next one will be better.

So this magic pill is about doing new exercises instead of crunches, because crunches “hurt your neck” and “work the hip flexors…” How evil. I’ve done a thousand crunches in one session. I did five hundred a session regularly for a while. I’ve forced students to do five hundred over the course of a one hour class. I guess I know why they all have strong necks now. And honestly I’m glad to work my hip flexors as hard as I can. Sure, you can’t see them on the beach, but they help me do some amazing things, like kick people in the head. Honestly? Hugh Jackman is gonna look better than me on the beach. But I can kick the crap out of him, so I have that consolation.

Coregasm

Damn you, women. Damn you all. You get all the fun. On the other hand, my workouts hit the right muscles more than anyone else’s, so… Wait. Maybe that’s why I have so many female students…

Gym bans skinny people

Really? Because skinny people have never faced failure? Therefore being skinny is, in and of itself, success? I am so proud of myself for not using the F word right now. What Anne Hathaway did above is a success as an actor, but a failure as a human being. She gave up living a real life in order to nail a role in a way she thought was right. Other people doing the same thing are only succeeding at giving up being human. Sadly, I see this all over the place.

I’d like to see a gym that works more on building people’s strengths instead of constantly helping them with failure. I know failure means more profit, but what happened to the morality of delivery on what people think you are promising, instead of delivering only on your weasel words?